"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Two guys were sitting in a bar. these dark jokes, you might just be a genius! Birthday Jokes 1. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University. report. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. Now, its even affecting my driving. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? How many other jokes can one make off 'Man walks into a bar?'? He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife. Video Game Jokes. Spelling! What do you call banana peel shoes? ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. My sweetheart is always taking health food crazes too far. Welcome to Reddit's finest Smash Bros. community! 8. A man tells his doctor, Help me. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) Its not appropriate to make a dad joke if youre not a dad. Glass and bags go everywhere. Too many cheetahs. These funny burger jokes are perfect to share with your friends and family at a barbecue or cookout this summer. The Most Awesome Race Car Toys And Tracks For The Kid Obsessed With Racing. Any birthday with frosting and icing! Why cant your nose be 12-inches long? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. What did one hat say to the other? What type of brief packs a punch? The bartender said, Sorry, we dont serve breakfast.. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Anti-jokes guaranteed to make you chuckle Anti-jokes are in a league of their own when it comes to humor. Theyre making headlines. 14. John Motson announced late last year that hed be retiring at the end of the season, and his commentary for Match of the Day this Sunday will be the last time we hear the broadcasting legend commenting on a game. [deleted] . What has four wheels and flies? They always take things literally. 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A pork chop. Never again. Should have gone to Specsavers. 150+ Hilarious Birthday Jokes | Skip To My Lou You cant excuse that Zidanes career ends in disgrace!, Northern Ireland were in white, which was quite appropriate because three inches of snow had to be cleared from the pitch before kick off!, A useful cookery tip: Just one minute of overtime, so you can put the eggs on now if you like., The defining moment in Herefords victory over Newcastle in the 1972 FA Cup: Radford again. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Two men, one called X and the other called Y, are playing Super Smash Bros. Its not. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. Get the best corny jokes below! A dad and his son are getting competitive while playing Smash Bros. Shulk out fishing: I'M REALLY REELING IT. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. A lot. Here are some of our favorite food jokes. Where wasKing Davids temple located? Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? What kind of birthday does the Snow Queen like? Time flies like an arrow. How do you make a tissue dance? Why couldnt the frog find where he parked his car? hide. What are alternative sayings like "You couldn't hit water if you fell Why are elephants wrinkly? What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? She told me to come in, so I did. Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. Tomb it may concern. What kind of tree has a hand? Celebration Because it would be a foot. What kind of music do planets like? Check out some more of our favorite walks into a bar jokes. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! How did the black cats end their fight? Africa Between you and me, something smells. It was two tired. Theres nothing better than a juicy burger topped with lots of toppings and sauce. A boxer brief. What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. A receding hare-line. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer. Stumbling around, as they wander home they become desperate for a wee. He wanted to find Pluto! A bulldozer. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Summer So grab some ketchup and enjoy reading these hilarious burger jokes! A bulldozer. Beano Jokes Team. My guess is you laughed out loud . Move over, anti-jokes. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners The first says Ill take a glass of, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), why did the chicken cross the road jokes, You wont stop laughing at these animal memes, secrets to telling a great joke, straight from stand-up comedians. Why do people say break a leg when you go on stage? Quotes From Famous People How can hurricanes see? When do computers overheat? What did the science book say to the math book? The hamburger cracked so many jokes. A frog, because it croaks every day. It shellebrates! He needed a little space. None of them know anything about it.*. because your bacon makes me giddy! Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside. Loving these anti-jokes? Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? What runs but never goes anywhere? His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. Sorry, we dont serve food here.. How do you impress a baker? Check out Funny Jokes Todays entire collection to find more puns. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed. If you're not sure what to say when you meet someone new, a good joke or pun can break the ice. I have no idea; I dont speak French. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. Here are some more knock-knock jokes everyone will appreciate. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. Winter Someday my prints will come! What do you need to be able to drive in the outback? 63+ Laughable Couldnt Jokes | couldnt organise a jokes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley That's all it was. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling. Funny-ish Burger Jokes to Make Your Grill Go Round and Round, Motivational Songs of All Time That Were Made to Lift Our Spirits, The Funniest Eyebrow Jokes Youll Ever Hear: Laugh Your Brows Off, Top 30+ Avocado Jokes for Foodies That are Avo-Lutely Hilarious, Get Your Hoot On: 30+ Owl Jokes That Are a Hootin Good Time, Octopus Jokes and Puns That Will Stick With You Forever, Mountain Jokes That Are Really Hill-arious, Elevator Jokes to Make You Laugh on Many Levels. 10. If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. You put a little boogie in it. I just saw two zombies on a date. Getting the ones with more fat will give you more flavor, but getting the leaner ones will make you look better. Data. That car salesman is a real car-deal-ologist. What has more lives than a cat? How did the hipster burn his tongue? What do you call a boring dinosaur? Tick Tock Goes the Clock. Which school subject was the witchs favorite? Velcro is a complete ripoff. Click here for more information. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Scan this QR code to download the app now. The punchline comes, you cringe and turn to your old man . Two old people sit on the porch, chatting. What lights up a soccer stadium? What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? When its ajar. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Toughest job I ever had? None. With a pumpkin patch. May 11, 2018 9:51 am (Updated October 9, 2020 2:45 pm) As the football season draws to a close, so too will the career of one of the sport's most instantly recognisable voices. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. They each got six months. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. Its busy, and he looks around at the customers. A do-you-think-he-saw-us. So, to feed their interest and mold them into the perfect NASCAR racer, speed through these jokes. What goes up and never comes down? He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons? Why is the grass so dangerous? Posted by. He was a little horse. A wise quacker. You have my Word! How do you make an octopus laugh? The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. Give them a reason to smile at their phone today. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. A reporter hears about a new cafe that is a smash hit He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. What kind of sicko does that to someones advent calendar? Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? What are some of the best Smash jokes/puns you know? : r/smashbros - Reddit Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. 20 Hilarious Car Jokes That Will Keep Your Laughter Rolling And Rolling Vehicle Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Shulk on the bottom of a boat: I'M REALLY KEELING IT. And you don't have to worry about these being clean: All of our favorite jokes are fit for kids and adults. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Because I'd need a blindfold to smash that. Vampires arent real. @AntiJokeCat. Archived post. What kind of music is scary for birthday. What do sprinters eat before they race? 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes Did you hear that Im reading a book about anti-gravity? If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me at your email address. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. I know its not a nice thing to do. , but I feel like I was just born with mine. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room (be sure to bookmark our April Fool's jokes for next year!) That is precisely twice as many as last year., The game is balanced in Arsenals favour., The referee is wearing the same yellow-coloured top as the Slovakian goalkeeper. Trivia Questions Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. These cow jokes will make you spit up your milk. Santa was having a terrible day. She just puts it on her bill. To help you grill this summer, weve collected some funny-ish jokes. Funny Quotes and Sayings With a cow-culator. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?". 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. What do you call a cow with two legs? These corny jokes shouldnt go over anyones head, even the youngest children in the household. short for? 17. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? DEADLINE: Tell me how you got involved with Sweeney Todd. Fall Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Why dont they play poker in the jungle? Eclipse it. RELATED: 100+ Football Jokes That Will Score You A Touchdown With Friends. Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Throwing, The police said, "A man can do whatever he wants in his own living room. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! He tells them "Boys, I'm so. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? An Irishman walks out of a bar. 21 of the best sales jokes ever | ThinkAdvisor I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. How did the barber win the race? Paul mentions that he just bought a giant Pink Ape. Why does Waldo wear stripes? The dad says: "I fucked your mom!" To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!" This joke may contain profanity. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. While your burger is cooking, try out these funny burger jokes and stories to keep everyone amused. He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash. And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks. Wow, youve got problems. What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? Theyre all quacks. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? With any luck, you'll see her crack a smile. Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds. 3. His friend asks what he's go. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. What did the hat say to the scarf? An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. An investi-gator. What do you get if you introduce 7 sims to the grim reaper? Privacy Policy. By Corinne Sullivan and Elizabeth Berry Updated: Nov 11, 2022 Cracking a. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Youre under a vest. Videos During Lockdown The 15+ Best Smash Bros Jokes - UPJOKE No joke. Meghan graduated from Marist College with a Bachelor of Arts in English in 2017; her creative nonfiction piece Anticipation was published in the Spring 2017 issue of Angles literary magazine. Reddit userJesus_The_Super_Jew. What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? 16. Rocket League Jokes. Things got pretty sappy! He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. A palm tree. Toad. I took my shoes off and went to the living room and sat on the couch. What do you say to a frog who needs a ride? I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. He got arrested for breaking a nectarine. Why did the kid cross the playground? He was on a roll! But if you chase cars, youll get exhausted. 9. 105+ Corny Jokes to Send to Friends | Thought Catalog He knew a shortcut. Because she was stuffed. What does corn say when it gets a compliment? 100+ Best Dad Jokes, Ranked by Cringe/Pun Level | Man of Many It's not even midnight and my Welsh friend just messaged me "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda". A priest walks up to him and asks him what are you doing son? The kid replies, Im killing these worthless god damn ants. The priest than says to the kid, God put all things on earth to have some sort of worth or value. The kid stops and the Priest walks away. Wheeee! Local man killed by falling piano. Here's a list of funny sales puns just for you. What are alternative sayings like "You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat?". He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma.". He drank his coffee before it was cool. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. One said: Oo, oo, aah. The other replied:Put some cold in then. Harry Hill, My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesnt!, You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other. Funny Jokes Today Jokes Funny-ish Burger Jokes to Make Your Grill Go Round and Round. 24 Funny Jokes To Tell A Girl That You Like - Gamertelligence . One says, Wow, its hot in here. The other one says, Sure is. Not only is it terrible, its terrible. GATEN MATARAZZO: It was just an audition. Because he was a fungi. Super Smash Bros Jokes. Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. In case he got a hole in one. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. Because he was sitting on the deck! How do Ant Man and Wasp get around town? Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving. Officer. The show didn't try to subvert sitcom expectations like so many others have tried to. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood.". On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window.I couldn't believe my eyes. Why couldn't the sim go to the toilet? Megha is the heart of funnyjokestoday.com - When waking up in the morning, her first thought always is how to create a smile on someone's face before breakfast. I tied it to my bike to take it home, but on the way I realised if i fell off my bike, the bottle would smash. 25 Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart - Reader's Digest Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. -Groucho Marx; I was going to tell a carpentry joke, but I couldn't find any of that woodwork. See if he is coffin. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags A satis-factory. It will show everyone you're funny and prove you have a great sense of humor. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes A nervous wreck. The person on the other end of the joke could see the punchline coming from a mile away. Between the Disney movies about talking vehicles and how much time they spend in their car seat, its no wonder your tike is obsessed. Doctor: "Mr. Jones, you may want to sit down. Keep your shirt on! Because they're always popping! Table of Contents . Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn't do. Crime in multi-storey car parks. What do you call it when Batman skips church? 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Looking at my face is like reading in the car. The Met haven't learned from the Stephen Port case', 10m Tory donation surge raises prospects of early general election, The bewitching country with giant animals and waterfalls that's now easier to reach, Police forces and councils are buying hacking software used to unlock mobile phones, If he asks your father for his permission to marry you, walk away, 'I own a private island and it's not paradise - it's a useless, rotting burden', I reversed my type 2 diabetes through diet and lifestyle changes, Frank Lampard says Chelsea should copy Arsenals successful model and ditch current approach, James Maddison misses penalty but Leicester out of drop-zone after point against Everton, Do not sell or share my personal information. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity! ", when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once? Let me hear 'em. Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. Asked Freddie. What does a spy do when he gets cold? No worries, we are here for you! These what do you call jokes are funny on purpose, though. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Top Jokes About Will Smith And Chris Rock At The Oscars Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Shulk as a thief: I'M REALLY STEALING IT. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama. These clever jokes will instantly make you sound smart. Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. But these Halloween jokes will give you real laughs! Hes only got little legs. All the fans left. He wanted to make some dough. His co-worker Mike says, "What the hell happened to you, man? Why wouldnt the shrimp share his treasure? What do you call an ant who fights crime? Spring I don't know why". I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes If you like these window jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics. What did the policeman say to his belly button? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. My sim keeps gaining weight! So I stopped, drank the whole bottle and carried on my way. Why didnt the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Christian Bale. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Never trust atoms. What did the ocean say to the shore? A fridge. You hang around, and Ill go ahead. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. I did it over tape, and I didn't hear back for a few . Its impossible to put down. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. The barman says theres three parts to the challenge. What do you call a duck that gets all As? Check out some of our favorite science jokes. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland. Cookie Notice The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. Then it would be a foot. 200 Short Jokes That Are Funny. "\\, and walks straight up the bar. You had better bacon again if your burger isn't tasty enough. 2. Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider! Whether you're in need of a quick knock knock joke to get your kids talking, something seasonal to celebrate a holiday, a witty animal joke for your fur-loving child or just a joke to. DANG! Burgers made with fresh beef patties are the best! Its from Uncle Ben. Aw, shucks! 100 Dark Humor Jokes That Are Twisted, Morbid and Funny - Parade Leave the pizza in the oven. What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtles back? A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Happy Birthday Jokes How come you didn't get me a birthday present? A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Readers Digest runs it. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Still, kids love playing with them, obsessing over them, and destroying the living room in the process. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? But if you chase cars, you'll get exhausted. What do you call a bear with no teeth? First, Edward was a vampire. **A man doesn't come home one night. Master of the one-liner Tim Vine makes a few . If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?! I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead.. Why don't trees use the train? What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat? 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe)41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes50 of the funniest Father Ted quotesRed Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-linersDerry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes50 of the best lines from Peep Show20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darlingThe 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes.