You want somethin' hot to suck on? Were gonna save the fuckin planet? Think about this: think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. It's interested in it's own power. They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. Huh? George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. His parents split up when he was an infant because his . So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. Next fucking case! 18. ""You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? "Well, it's God's will." Whether you agree with him or not, George Carlins views on government are definitely worth considering. OK? - George Carlin. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tapeEVERYTHING! When are they gonna outlaw this shit? The only country that could invade America is America! In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Happens to work. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. On Election Day, I stay home. Broadly speaking. 14. 'Cause that's all you ever hear about in this country. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. George Carlin, 24. And he's gotta do it with a big. Carlin dropped out of high school and was stationed in Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, Louisiana in 1954 . And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. The people are [bleeped out]. It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. 8 George Carlin Quotes On Death That Will Make You Think! And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". ", "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And generally speaking, people on the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. 1. Nature is in here. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain We grew. ' George Carlin, 56. Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up? The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin, 87. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. Did you ever stop to think about all the people we kill? Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin, 26. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, 17. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" An art thief is a man who takes pictures. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. Everybody gets one swing. Especially if it's me! One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. It creates a hostile work environment." I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. 6. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. "Yes." So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. Well, they don't want you to get an infection! Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Be happy with what youve got, because the owners of this country dont want that. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. So self-important. Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stickand walking after it! Must be another one of those miracles.. change. "That's a, There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" I dont have pet peeves. You don't wait thirty years. Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. But dont participate; it will be your death. Isn't that nice? In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I'm tired of this shit being presented in the context of real news. Where are these people hiding? ""Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. Below youll find the best collection of George Carlin quotes. You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. We made the whole fucking thing up! We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet. And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. They don't fall out of the sky. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. 37. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Everything He ever makes dies., 9. Forget the politicians. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. Don't you love that phrase? The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. 16. I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe"! You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing; the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. The Divine Plan. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. Then you're just what they're looking for. ", I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. On Election Day, I stay home. How can [God] be perfect? Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still: the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. I started this website because I wanted to help people like you to maximize their potential and achieve their dreams. They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin' years ago. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. Where are these people hiding? At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Guy with a fuckin' pipe! Were goin away. 25. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in ". My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. That's what they told us they were, remember? If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues, not to get them and certainly not to sing or play them. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. George Carlin, 23. Must be another one of those "miracles.". To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. Compared with the people, the planet is doin great. They own everything. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. George Carlin, 33. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. Save the planet! My first rule, I dont believe anything the government tells me And I dont take very seriously the media or the press in this country. George Carlin, 82. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? And the people said "You know something? All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. George Carlin, 69. Just for you? The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. A dentist with blood in his hair. They don't want to hear from you. No kidding. We are on a nice downward glide. Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets.
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